"Doesn't count!?"

Suppose I told you that there was a great movie from the late '80s in which the evil plan of legendary monsters is uncovered by a bunch of "loser" kids who met them in battle, to save their town and, by extension, the world. What would you say I was talking about?

Stephen King's It? No-the book gave me more than one night of the creeps, but the TV-movie was only half of what it should have been.

The kids are a couple of monster fanatics; their younger and older sisters, a fat kid, and a sweet and tender hooligan...do you know yet?

The Goonies? No-I said a great movie. I know some people that were kids when they saw it think The Goonies is a great movie, but fuck 'em, they're wrong.

I'm talking Monster Squad.

Monster Squad is a great little monster movie played mostly at older kids and young teens, but enjoyable by anyone who thinks these sorts of movies are fun. Here's the story:

As led by Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, the Wolfman, the Mummy, and the Gillman (AKA the Creature From the Black Lagoon) descend on a small California town seeking an amulet of power. But they get more than they baragined for when they meet our mostly still pre-pubescent heroes.

Originally released in 1987 but largely unseen in theaters at the time, the film has built up a cult following on video & cable in the 20 years since. I don't know if I'd call myself part of that following, not the way I am for Veronica Mars, the Tron soundtrack, Terry Gilliam films, cartoons, and Doctor Who.

But I remember seeing the movie on video, probably when I was about 16; thinking it was a lot of fun and showing it to a friend or two. It's that kindofa movie, where you end up saying What? You haven't seen...

Anyway, whether I admit I'm in the cult or not, that cult did lead to the movie's recent release as a good-looking two disc DVD.

Though I haven't seen it in forever, I was pleased to rent the film yesterday to see if it still holds up.

It did without any doubt.

The movie was directed by Fred Dekker, who also made the almost-as-good Night of the Creeps, and written by him with Shane Black. Their script is joyful yet appropriately scary-bearing in mind that this is, more or less, a family film.

And the cast plays it just right, never tongue-in-cheek to the extent that it becomes irredeemably silly, but always with a sense of fun.

Dracula is played by Duncan Regehr in one of the two great vampire performances of the mid-to-late '80s (the other being Chris Sarandon in Fright Night), and an original addition to the "canon." This Dracula is pissed-off and he doesn't care who knows it.





The late Brent Chalem is Horace, or "fat kid". Compare his performance to Jeff Cohen's nightmarish work on The Goonies. Chalem's character posesses a knowledge of the right thing to do, even if it's hard, while Cohen's was just sour.

I think that's what you'd find if you compared them, but to be sure I'd have to watch The Goonies again, and you'd have to pay me money to do that. And to be fair, Cohen was working from a Chris Columbus script...

Ryan Lambert is Rudy, the tough kid. As the cast-and-director commentary points out, it's never really explained why he's hanging out with a bunch of younger "losers," but he manages to suggest motivations that the screenplay never articulates.

2006: l-r: Andre Gower; Ashley Bank; and Ryan Lambert

Ashley Bank is Phoebe, the five-year-old tagalong sister of squad leader Sean (Andre Gower, who does a fine job anchoring the film). It's a cool kid performance in a role that could have been very agitating, if played or directed wrong.

And as a side-note, as seen in present-day interview footage on the second DVD, damned if she didn't turn out to look like Alyson Hannigan's little sister...

Leonardo Cimino, like Regehr a veteran of the original miniseries V and about 25 other television shows or movies, is the "scary German guy" with a good reason for believing in monsters.

It's a moment in the script that Dekker is justly proud of when we find out what that reason is, and a great, subtle performance by Cimino.

Some wouldn't expect to find subtle performances in a movie like this, but they are a big part of why it works so well.

Jon Gries, who's been in about 5o movies and television shows but to me will always first and foremost be Lazlo Hollyfeld in Real Genius, is the Wolfman. Gries has very little "face time," but he effectively conveys the torture of a man who wants to do good...when he's in human form...

Lisa Fuller's character doesn't even get a name ("Patrick's Sister"), which is kind of sexist-even moreso considering she's the eye candy in the movie-but she does get to be part of one of its great moments.

And speaking of great moments, watching this movie today gives me the added bonus of getting to see Jason Hervey, who plays a bully, humiliated once or twice. Jason Hervey is a producer of that schmuck Scott Baio's reality show, and therefore deserves whatever he gets.

Shortly after co-writing this movie's screenplay, Shane Black went on to fame and fortune as the creator of the Lethal Weapon franchise. Director Fred Dekker went on to crash his career, by his own bitter recollection, with Robocop 3.

Which is at least a little bit of a tragedy. He should have had Stephen Sommers' career. Watching the Squad again, I couldn't help contrasting it with Sommers' Van Helsing. And thinking how it was evidence yet again of one of Ellison's theories:

That not only are "state of the art" F/X and 120 million-dollar budgets not necessary to the making of great movies, at least as often they inhibit them. I'd be surprised if from script to release, and including things like the promotional budget, Monster Squad cost as much as one of Van Helsing's effects.

But over two years after seeing Van Helsing I can't plum remember a thing about the plot, and certainly none of the dialogue. I've remembered lines and plot elements from Monster Squad for almost two decades.

It's got a fistful of 'em that just stay with you forever...including the one in the headline of this post.