A few movies to look for...if you're not reading a book this weekend, that is

Or, Friday the 13th jigsaw: The missing pieces...

1. A bitchy girl is assaulted with a curling iron...where no woman wants a curling iron.

...is a pleasant scene from Sleepaway Camp. This is a slasher flick with a truly unforgettable ending. Whether it's unforgettable because it gives you the chills or because it's really, really stupid is another question alltogether.

If you think there's any chance you might ever see the movie and don't want to be spoiled, don't follow the link above, and don't look at this Robot Chicken spoof...

3. Before being sucked through a grate into the vacuum of space, a picturesque young woman declares, "This sucks on so many levels!"

...would be a scene from Jason X. Self-indulgent note: The picturesque young woman is Melyssa Ade, an actress on my short list of those I would like to send a script and ask to audition for my character Keitha. If I won the lottery tomorrow and could finanace a film. By the way, the picture above is not from JX.

5. A crippled guy gets a machete in the face; then goes bouncing in his wheelchair down about three flights of outdoor stairs...

...is a scene from Friday the 13th Part 2. This is not an image from that scene, but...which would you rather I post?

6. In a movie with a "mystery" killer, the person who will eventually be "revealed" as the culprit stares right into the camera. We hear a low, deep, synthesized note on the soundtrack. Viewers spend the rest of the movie saying "Who could the killer be? Who?"

...is one of the many reasons Friday the 13th: A New Beginning is bad even for a slasher movie. Just look at this guy:



Who could have possibly forseen him as the killer?

8. The star of the film-who allegedly looks like me-is slowly swallowed up to their waist by a not-at-all disturbingly phallic version of the murderer in the form of a giant snake.

...would be a godlike scene from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, starring my lookalike, Patricia Arquette.

9. In a rare truly surprising scene, a horror movie expert is killed in mid phone-taunt.

...is a scene from Scream 2 which upset so many people (including me) that the writer of Scream 3 put a reference to that in the script.



Which didn't stop Scream 3 from having become a parody of itself...

11. The murderer cheerfully informs her most recent, and large-breasted, victim: "Good thing you're dead 'cause in a couple of years your breasts would have been sagging something terrible."

...is just one of the many comedy gems to be found in Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland, starring actress and photographer Pamela Springsteen as the psychotic killer.
As a photographer, Springsteen's shot at least one album cover for Tears For Fears, as well as a few albums and/or singles for her brother, some guy named Bruce.

By the way, it's likely as not the large-breasted victim in question (her name is Stacie Lambert) was just as happy to be killed off, since this was preceded by one of the most uncomfortable sex scenes ever filmed.

How uncomfortable? Her partner: Character actor Michael J. Pollard. You can actually hear her saying: "He's touching me-I have a distinct no-touching clause in my contract..."