How to pick a good party frock

Don't be blinded by the oversized sequins. Here are the three guidelines to help you find the perfect dress

Getting dressed is not, to be honest, something at which I excel. Every new dawn brings with it a mild sensation of panic, as I take in the inclemency of the weather and the unsuitability of my wardrobe, and retreat to the unflattering safety of head-to-toe black and a raincoat. When I get a job that requires me to wear Agent Provocateur underwear, floor-length cream coats and ruinously expensive high heels, all will be well. Until then – and as I’m a bit old to be a hooker, I’m not holding my breath – I have problems.

This is not a new development, which is why today is the day when I sally forth to make exceptionally unwise sales purchases, and perpetuate the calamitous cycle. This year, like many people, my plan is to buy something for New Year’s Eve. Now, if my New Year’s Eve were going to be that of my dreams – one where, by some happy twist of fate, I find myself kissing Jon Bon Jovi on the stroke of midnight – then the outfit detailed above would be just the ticket.
Sadly, even in the parallel universe that I inhabit, this seems unlikely. So I need a dress. I have set myself some rules, which I humbly share in the hope they may help. Rules which, by the time you read this, I will be well on the way to flouting, but what can I say? My intentions were pure.

First, go for a more glamorous version of something you usually look good in. New Year’s Eve parties are not the place to experiment with a whole new look. Come to think of it, no public event is ever the place to experiment with a whole new look – you should be doing that in the fitting room, before you even get your credit card out, let alone before you allow anyone else to see your interesting take on leggings and Manolos. If you don’t normally feel comfortable in 4in heels with your boobs out, the fact it’s December 31 won’t alter that.

Second, don’t be seduced by novelty: that floor-length magenta show-stopper may look stunning, but it is in the sales precisely because thousands of other woman realised they’d look awful in it. We must heed that wisdom.

Third, don’t forget accessories. Even the most fabulous, bright blue Balmain, knocked down to a bargain £25, say, is absolutely no use if you haven’t already got – or aren’t prepared to buy – the perfect shoes and bag to wear with it. Meanwhile, I myself fully expect that, by day’s end, I will be the proud owner of a show-stoppingly glamorous, floor-length magenta number which will be totally unsuitable for my New Year’s Eve plans. Unless Jon calls me, in which case I’m sorted.