7 lies we tell ourselves about how we look

Someone famously remarked that there were only seven plots in the world. They said it with such authority, I’m thinking either Shakespeare or Lynda La Plante. Once you begin seriously researching this (ie, googling Only Seven Plots), you discover equally authoritative claims about there being only 36 plots, 20 plots and 3 plots. But after intensive soul-searching and numerous peeks into my own wardrobe, I can confidently announce that there really are seven lies we tell ourselves and others when it comes to our appearance. As we celebrate the new year, it seems timely to confront them.

1. I can always get it altered. Indeed you can and probably should. If you lived in Paris and worked for Carine Roitfeld, you would get everything altered, even those items most mortals thought were just fine as they are. But assuming you’re not reading this on the Eurostar, accessing a creative, technically brilliant alterations service can be a life’s work. I bought a jacket in New York that was at least two sizes too big. I committed this folly because it was the last one in the country and I got overexcited. Five London tailors later (much sucking of teeth, deep intakes of breath, shaking of heads), I took it to Designer Alterations in Battersea (designeralterations.com), where I should have gone in the first place but I’m not very good south of the river. They saw, they nodded, they conquered. But for serious adjustments, you can be looking at £100. Factor that in. Then invest in sat-nav.

2. I’ve been taking kelp. You may well have, but you’ve also secretly had hair extensions put in, which is why you now have the glossy, thick mane of a 16-year-old.

3. It’s an investment. Not in the way that buying shares in LVMH gold ingots or an Isa is an investment, it isn’t. Clothes, accessories (with the possible exception of Hermès Kellys and Birkins) and jewellery depreciate the minute you carry them out of the store. Buy it to wear, to love, to sniff (whatever turns you on). But never buy thinking you can make a quick, or even slow, buck out of it.

4. I’ve been on holiday. (To Harley Street. Where the Botox is on tap and the lasers shine brightly.)

5. I’ll lose the weight. You probably won’t. Remember, it’s even harder to find someone to let garments out than take them in, especially when they need letting out by three inches and there is only an inch of spare fabric.

6. I’ve had it ages. Six months is a long time in fashion.

7. I’m so over trends. How marvellous for you. But to paraphrase Miranda Priestly, that blue jumper you bought as an anti-fashion statement? It’s blue because two seasons ago a bunch of designers decreed blue was in. There is no escape, in other words. Best to interpret trends intelligently, from the lofty planes of knowledge. Ironically, Meryl Streep helped pen that speech as a personal diatribe against the fashion system. That’s what happens when you underestimate the nature of the beast.