Jeepers Creepers 2/The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003 remake)

Watched these couple of horror movie sequel/remakes on cable and/or DVD recently. I have to admit, "Jeepers" director/creator/writer Victor Salva knows how to make a good looking film--there are shots in this movie that are way too beautiful for the drive-ins it's meant to inhabit (in spirit if not in fact--do they even have drive-ins any more?).

It's almost enough to make you wonder what would happen if he let someone else write his films, someone who doesn't have his particular demons. But that's unlikely. Because the creepiest thing about this movie is knowing that we're watching a film by a man who is a convicted child-molester.

A man who once videotaped himself having oral sex with a 12-year-old, was sentenced to three years in jail and served 15 months. A man who has now made two movies that are about, as my favorite horror-movie review site put it:

I finally grasp what the Jeepers Creepers movies are REALLY all about. The Creeper is a flying psychotic man who happens to be gay. He’s on the hunt for young males, to eat, use their body parts and staple nude on his wall. Think Jeffrey Dahmer, but with wings. The Creeper has no interest in girls, likes to flirt with his future male conquests before picking them up (like winking at them or smiling) and although the films tells you that when he sniffs the air, he’s smelling your fear...we all know that he’s really smelling crotch (remember Darry’s undies in the first? He had a field trip with those!) Everything makes sense now.

That's why I didn't watch either of them in the theater, why I won't pay to rent them on DVD, but only watch them on cable. And as I say, there's enough skill on hand to make that worth an idle hour and 45 minutes...but still, waay too creepy for me knowing what I know.

As for Texas Chainsaw 2003, here's a movie that flat-out did not need to be made. One of the scariest things about the original is that there is almost no gore, it's all done with implication and sound effects and mood. Not the case here.

But I've got to say one thing. If you see this film, and obviously I'm not saying you should, but if you do: I defy you...I don't care if you're a woman, I don't care if you're a feminist, I don't care if you're Gloria freakin' Steinem, I don't care if you're sick of tit jokes...I defy you to watch Jessica Biel legging her way around in this movie, and not be thinking to yourself:

"Boing, boing, boing, boing...."

It's impossible.